Well, recently i have had a slight pitfall, but all is not lost. However, i do need to get my life in order. It'll be hard, as i have spent the last 3-4 years of my life out of it trying to find myself, yet i have remained nothing more than a zombie. So, in order to lead a happier life i will try to find my "source". My source of happiness, motivation, and sense of self. at this rate, i am headed toward a path of self destruction...a life without living, not only not to its fullest but not at all.

So now it's time to initiate the quest for my source. it is out there somewhere, and it's not what anyone tells me it is, just something i have to find on my own. if i can start sleeping right, eating right, exercising, doing homework, work at my job, do activities with my friends, and any other extracurricular activity (aka live my life to its fullest) things will come around and be better for myself and i can go on a day-to-day basis being positive with life.

I think i can do this...i'm starting to feel more positive as i write this...i know one thing so far, exercise, i am an athlete at heart and my ideal self is that of being fit and lean and able to be along...i know not too close but along the lines of a gymnast. What they can do is purely amazing and i want to be built the way i know i can be. so that would be goal number one. number two would be get school together. it blows, yes, however is a necessary evil(at least to me. this requires money to afford school and classes and a degree i will like, because with that a career in a field i enjoy will ensue, thus promoting a lifetime of happiness. third is friends...i need them and they are essential to my life and happiness. i have great friends and they make me so happy and it helps as a reward for a hard day of school and/or work. forth, would be a hobby, video games are fun, but there isn't much contribution to my life goals. Maybe photoshop and website building, or maybe making my own video game. maybe i can go back to ceramics or rock climbing or soccer or the possibilities are endless, from what i figure i'll probably choose to have a sport as a hobby and something creative.

My source is in there somewhere or is all of those things.Once i find my motivation and right all wrongs in my life...not looking forward to talking to parents and trying to find a way to get a loan for school, but it can and will be done. i may have been set aback but all isnt lost and i can get this done...now i have the nudge that told me i need to get my shit together and others that agree, so here i am doing my best to get my head on straight and rework my life. it will get better, everything will get better, i have hope and will persevere.